A wedding, food, laughter, hugs. The things we love and oftentimes long for. That is what best describes the last few days of our life. Its been six long years since we have all been together in the same room until now. All of us minus our precious James and his mamma, Kristal.
It is such a myriad of emotion, and in a quiet moment quite difficult to process. Last year at this time as I traveled back to the tundra, my son's life had crumbled to nothingness. He was alone with three babies - all trying to make sense of a painful decision made by someone else that affected their lives in ways that they would never ever had imagined - much less chosen. My son was broken and in pain. His heart hurt - hurt in ways that rendered all who loved him helpless in loving him thru it. He was the perfect example of the boy whistling in the dark. He had no direction, no plan, no partner, no joy. He didn't have a clue which foot to put forth next, and which direction to turn. He was alone, and lonely. He had the full responsibility of three little children - which upon looking back was the very thing that kept him putting one foot in front of the other.
My heart hurt for him. I can remember him as a child when he would experience something that hurt his feelings or made him question his worth. I thought that was such a difficult thing then - but we worked thru it and somehow the next day happened and the troubles waned like water down the drain, growing him up and teaching him lessons of life. And joy came in the morning. This was nothing like that. This was something that equates with death. Maybe in some ways worse. Faith is put in question, love is questioned, and the guarding of ones heart reigns paramount - so much so others may not be let in. Death may be easier. While it is permanent and hard and painful and grants grief beyond belief - death is not rejection. Death can somehow be explained and something that we all know at some time (hopefully later than sooner) will happen to all of us and it will suck and it will cause many shed tears, but it is a fact. Rejection is different. It scars. Deep. With pain that radiates and consumes the entire being. This is observation - and it in and of itself has been one of the most difficult things for me personally that I've experienced. I can not even imagine being the one walking it. Alone. Because it is not something anyone else can walk hand in hand with.
Then came March. Life took a turn. Moxy was found from deep within. And a girl with a beautiful smile and a kind and gentle heart emerged. The scars were beginning to heal, and lonliness began to fade. Each day life was looking better and direction became a bit clearer. Someone else who had experienced their own hell, while of course different, much the same. Both having a desire to share life with a whole human being, and as a whole person themselves. Lots to work thru, lots of things to consider, lots of wounds yet to heal, but now with anticipation of happiness and goodness and love.
January 12th this year is a wedding. The wedding being a celebration with immediate family which brought our little family unit together in one place. We flew in on the afternoon of the 9th. We spent a few hours with the littles having ice cream and roller skating (well they roller skated). Later that nite, in came the Washington State family. Mr Max saw us at the airport and grabbed hold of me and held me as if his life depended on it! I can't begin to describe that feeling. Friday Jimmy came in from New Hampshire. While Kris and Jamesy weren't with him physically, we got frequent pictures and texts from them, and kept them in thought and spirit throughout the celebration. Friday night - all three boys lined up on the couch giving each other grief. Nothing had changed. The roles were exactly the same, the conversation while more mature (in some ways) was the same, and how they intereacted with one another had not changed in the least. Bubba was still trying to "trade" things with Jimmy making it sound as if Jimmy was getting a deal. Luke was still trying to boss them around giving them direction and they responded as if they were deaf. It was a blast. For a moment I wished that our country was one that was only big enough for each family to live on one street - no one could move - no one could wander in another direction - a street where we could watch each other love life, hurt from bad decisions made by oneself or at the hand of another, share meals together, laugh together, and love on each other and the next generation. But that is not realistic, nor would it be best for each one of them. But the thought of it makes my heart full.
What a wedding! A bride and a groom and five little children committing their lives to one another. I sat there during the ceremony watching this mature grounded woman pledge her life to my son - and his children. I could not help but flash back to what life looked like at this time last year, and how full circle it had come. I was reminded of many scriptures of how God really does want our best, and while many times as we are walking thru the fire we are completely unable to see it - and right in front of me this day stands a man, my son, who is stronger - more confident - filled with more self worth - than I have ever seen him in his life. I see a woman who loves him to death. She even finds his quirkiness funny and loves that about him. They are a team, and partners, and cheerleaders, and coaches, and lovers. They together have five littles, and have found ways to build those five weaving into one another in ways as if they had always been. They are anxious about living this new life together as husband and wife, and are ready together to face the challenges that life just happens to bring along with it. They both are an example of hope.
A few days of bliss with everyone together and the fun must come to an end. Life in Washington and in New Hampshire must carry on. Our life in Arizona must move forward as well. The goodbyes are hard and there is a tendency to focus on that, rather than the great time we all had together, the new memories made, and the reminiscing of the old memories that we all cherish together.
The house is quiet now. The bride is back at work, the family is all gone, the groom is sound asleep in his bed after a full night shift at work. As I sit here and type this out my mind vascilates between the old and the new memories. The could have beens, and the what is. The differences and the similarities. The wonderful amazing women my sons have been blessed to share their lives with, and to parent their children with. My head is spinning, and my heart is full, and my eyes are leaking tears of joy and of emptiness at the same time. I know that my bible says that God captures those tears in a bottle, as he cares for me that much. It is overwhelming to me how joy and pain can exist in the same place and how one can experience both at the exact same time.
So we move forward. Another chapter is being written in the Snowden family life. Praise God THIS is a good chapter. One we are excited to see written and one day read as we reflect back on this week in the days and years to come, thanking God for His mercies and His goodness, and His grace in our lives.
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