Alcoholism is a dreadful killer. Not always does it kill the partaker, but it certainly kills relationships with those they love. It is the most acceptable killer known to man. We celebrate with it, we kill emotion with it, we entertain with it, and we relax with it. We drink it alone, we drink it with our lovers, we drink it with our good friends, and we drink it in groups. All acceptable. When those we love drink to excess we make excuses, and inadvertently choose to live a life of manipulation, pain, and ultimately death.
This happened to us. Jim's alcoholism spiraled out of control. Excuses were made, games were played, manipulations were reigning our relationship - neither being innocent, nor one being more guilty than the other. But by the grace of God, Jim decided to get help. He began attending AA and before long became the AA nazi. He was making changes which meant the most horrible thing . . . so must I! I began attending Al Anon.
I struggled with with the whole thing. The meetings and the books seemed to become the new addiction, and the sponsor became his new love. I struggled with the meetings I was going to. The whining and pity parties were irritating. It was more than I could handle trying to keep my own self positive as to sit in these meetings listening to these people choose defeat. I struggled with the once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I struggled with the higher power idea - finding it a slap in God's face. I struggled with looking around the room to find one woman that I had listened to that had what I wanted - and it wasn't there. I struggled with frustration. A lot.
Naturally when you read about Jim, and then you read about me, you can easily deduct that trouble was on the horizon. It wasn't long and we were unable to communicate much less be in the same room together. We got into a horrendous argument and Jim left - move out left - and I felt relief.
After a day or so went by reality set in. Seeing the pained look on my boys' faces and recognizing what the future may hold, I decided I needed to do something. I remembered going to a meeting with Jim for his sponsor's celebration. It was there they had a speaker that would later change my life. He was a giant, and spoke words that while fitting with the AA philosophy did not detract from his faith. He was a pastor, and had no problem identifying with Christ as his Higher Power. Most AA'rs have an issue with this for some reason. And he boldly spoke about it that night. Most everyone loved him and couldn't wait to hug him and tell him how much he speaks to them. There were those that were ticked because of the Jesus talk. I heard one man say to him "Ah, the church is nothing but a bunch of hypocrites." He replied, "HA! You know what - your right!! You should try it sometime - one more won't hurt!!!" Oh I loved him already!!
I needed to talk to him. I didn't know his name - and I wasn't really sure of how to find it. I remembered hearing the name of the church he pastored at - so I went looking. BINGO - found him. Ed M was his name. Big Ed - now I remember! I placed a call and left a message on his voicemail. I was nervous and scared and to be quite honest not sure I really wanted help.
Our first meeting came. I walked into the church office, and waited for him. I remembered him being a large man, but never stood close to him to know. Here he comes. He is HUGE. His hands look like they could wrap around a basketball like mine does a baseball. He shakes my hand and then wraps those long arms around me in a hug. My arms hug his waist - my goodness he's tall! How tall is he I want to know - but how rude to ask! Its killing me!!!
We sat down - me on one side of the desk - he on the other. He began asking questions and I began opening up. He asked me what my biggest problem with AA was - I told him. He said Christianity saves your soul. AA saves your life - they are different. I told him about the meetings I was going to - he recommended a different meeting in a different town, and that until I found a woman to take me under her wing, he would begin the work of the 12 steps with me.
He shared with me things about his life. He spoke to me with such gentleness and compassion. He challenged me thru the week and asked me to make contact with him once a day to let him know how I was doing and then we would meet again the following week. I obeyed.
The next week came and I couldn't wait to meet with him again. Each day I called him he greeted me with, "HI Sweetie!" When I heard his voice I actually felt that all was going to be ok with the world that day. I was anxious to meet with him again. He greeted me with that giant hug and to the desk we went. He went over the things we talked about on the daily check in. He asked me some more in depth questions and concurred that Jim and I should remain no contact for at least one more week and then we would meet with him. Together. Our meeting was over and off I went with the same instruction as the week before. Daily calls and I obeyed.
The following week he got a little more aggressive with me. He began digging in to my past and asking questions about things I very neatly packed away in the recesses of my mind. It was uncomfortable and painful, yet freeing. He asked me a question that I couldn't answer - can you describe to me what you see as your faults. I could not. He asked me if I believed that possibly I was faultless? Of course not!! We began to unpack another layer. I sat in that chair and tears ran down my cheeks. I'm not a crier. But being in this safe room, with this safe man, I couldn't hold them back. He would quietly hand me a box of kleenex and move forward. After intense discussion, and many tears later, he uncovered quite a mystery. I couldn't identify any fault because I believed and was convinced that my being as a whole was faulty - I couldn't break it down and pinpoint anything. What progress!! Now we know where to start.
Weeks went by, with meetings alone, meetings with Jim, and intense counsel. Daily check ins continued, and with every tear that was shed a little drip of pain went away. He taught me so many lessons - life lessons that so few get to learn:
1) If your experiencing conflict, someone needs to be the adult. If you recognize it guess what . . . its you.
2) All behavior has meaning, people act the way they do for a reason, and its not generally to tick you off.
3) Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart.
4) If you are experiencing conflict or are upset with someone, or have an argument - before you lash out identify your part first. There is no conflict nor argument that is one sided - ever.
5) Never pass up the opportunity to bless someone - you never know if the opportunity will come again.
6) Expectation is a premeditated resentment. ALWAYS
7) Unforgiveness/bitterness is you drinking the poison waiting for someone else to die.
8) If there is something in your life or something you can do to make another persons life better, consider it an honor. Don't pass it up.
My life is forever changed because of Ed. One of the greatest things he taught me was that life can be lived happy joyous and free even in the midst of a bad day. It sounds impossible, but its not. My marriage is forever changed because of Ed. What seemed to be a relationship doomed for destruction, is now a partnership filled with love, respect, and honor. My relationships with family and friends are forever changed. I recognize that I can love and serve them, but I can't fix whats broke in their lives and to do so is me paying the consequences for their choices. It frees me up to love them where they are, and allow them to do the same with me.
I miss him greatly. Christmas 2008 Ed went to meet his Savior. There are so many times when I just don't know what to do in particular situations and I want to hear that "Hi Sweetie" across the phone line. I want him to tell me it will be ok, and I want him to hand me that kleenex that catches the pained drops running down my cheek - but he's not here. He's THERE, dancing on golden streets, basking in the glory of our Lord, preparing a place even for me! Yet, his legacy lives on. His words still ring true in my heart, and if I take the time to breathe, I can hear him give me direction.
Thank you Big Ed, my life is truly better because you took the time to invest in me. I will be forever grateful!
Weeks went by, with meetings alone, meetings with Jim, and intense counsel. Daily check ins continued, and with every tear that was shed a little drip of pain went away. He taught me so many lessons - life lessons that so few get to learn:
1) If your experiencing conflict, someone needs to be the adult. If you recognize it guess what . . . its you.
2) All behavior has meaning, people act the way they do for a reason, and its not generally to tick you off.
3) Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart.
4) If you are experiencing conflict or are upset with someone, or have an argument - before you lash out identify your part first. There is no conflict nor argument that is one sided - ever.
5) Never pass up the opportunity to bless someone - you never know if the opportunity will come again.
6) Expectation is a premeditated resentment. ALWAYS
7) Unforgiveness/bitterness is you drinking the poison waiting for someone else to die.
8) If there is something in your life or something you can do to make another persons life better, consider it an honor. Don't pass it up.
My life is forever changed because of Ed. One of the greatest things he taught me was that life can be lived happy joyous and free even in the midst of a bad day. It sounds impossible, but its not. My marriage is forever changed because of Ed. What seemed to be a relationship doomed for destruction, is now a partnership filled with love, respect, and honor. My relationships with family and friends are forever changed. I recognize that I can love and serve them, but I can't fix whats broke in their lives and to do so is me paying the consequences for their choices. It frees me up to love them where they are, and allow them to do the same with me.
I miss him greatly. Christmas 2008 Ed went to meet his Savior. There are so many times when I just don't know what to do in particular situations and I want to hear that "Hi Sweetie" across the phone line. I want him to tell me it will be ok, and I want him to hand me that kleenex that catches the pained drops running down my cheek - but he's not here. He's THERE, dancing on golden streets, basking in the glory of our Lord, preparing a place even for me! Yet, his legacy lives on. His words still ring true in my heart, and if I take the time to breathe, I can hear him give me direction.
Thank you Big Ed, my life is truly better because you took the time to invest in me. I will be forever grateful!
Rev Ed M 1950 - 2008
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