Because He Lives . . . .

The Day After . . . . how do you put into words what just happened in the last 48 hours?  Its like it was a dream, or maybe what it will be like when we pass thru this life into the next - I'm not sure - but surreal somewhat describes it.

Our quiet little home with just the two of us, all decorated with Christmas cheer; red lights here and clear lights there, transformed in the matter of minutes into a family paradise.  Josh and Deb and the two littles came in the middle of the night.  Sound asleep in the car, they came in the house wide eyed sleepy - they had arrived! Little Emily saw us and instantly a big grin came across her sweet little half asleep face and she hugged us as if life depended on it.  Seth muttered out a hello and a big hug, but really wanted to go back to sleep.  It felt good in this place.

Cooking began, toys that had been put away for months had been pulled back out.  Spiderman had chubby little boy hands holding him again, and the princess clothes were coming to life being danced around in noisy clippy clappy shoes.  The refrigerator once again holds chocolate milk, and little cans of sprite, and the cupboards are once again filled with little kid goodies.  

I felt like I was living in Toy Story 3 - in the day care room when the toys came to life.  That was me.  The air was lighter and brighter and joy filled my heart.  The smell of familiar food cooking, the sounds of littles laughing and crying and talking, the full house of people and wondering where to sit because the room is full of bodies, all of it - life.

Groceries have been bought, menus planned, people invited.  We are ready to celebrate the coming of our Savior and you can feel it in the air.  Jared arrives, and we are feeling complete.  He brings us up to date on his life, and shows us pics of his house, and of course displays his newest electronic toys since the last time we'd seen him! Its been a year.  He's been around the world, fought for our freedoms in Afghanistan, finished his time with the army, and is now living a civilian life for the first time as an adult.  He has grown into a man, a good man with honor and integrity and a plan.  Yet, when I look at him I still see that little boy in his eyes.  Forget about that blood and water stuff - this one I may not have birthed but he owns a piece of my heart just like the boys I carried inside of me.  

We had an awesome day.  We received phone calls, and were happy to take them and talk to our loved ones.  But there was a difference in us this year.   We didn't want to miss a moment of what was taking place around us, so the calls were short.  We can catch up after the day and hear about the Christmasy goodness  when we can give full attention to that as well.  We learned all too well how things can change in the blink of an eye, and those things and times that are so precious . . . change.

But that was yesterday.  Today there is breakfast and packing and preparing to go back to life as usual.  Josh has to go back to work tonite, so they had to be on the road early.  They gave us hugs and we walked them to the van, smooching on the kiddos as they loaded up to go.  As they pulled away, I walked back into the house, grabbed my cup of java and sat down on the couch.  I looked around and all thats left are traces.  Little containers that held each kids new toys to keep them together.  Princess dresses and toys that once again are lifeless, to be put away til the next time.  Dishes to be put away, and a tiny little container of homemade goodies for us to consume.  The biggest thing?  Quiet.  Silence.  Wow - its loud.  

The red and clear Christmas lights are still flashing, the decorations are still there.  The stockings are still hung by the fireplace but now empty and awkward.  Its like it was just a dream.  Did all of that really happen in just a few days?  Jared is still with us thru today.  He and Jim just left for some male bonding time, with guns and ammo and a jeep in tow.  Memories to be made . . . for both of them.

What have I learned?

A month ago, I didn't/couldn't see how we could walk thru this holiday.  I didn't believe Christmas could ever be the same.  I was right!  It wasn't the same.  What I learned was that just because something isn't the same doesn't mean that is going to be bad, nor does it need to be filled with despair. 

I learned that that feeling of despair doesn't allow me to see how God is providing for me in ways I never imagined.  Oh, there is nothing I wouldn't give to have my sons and their families with us, but God provided.  What has been in our lives for the last 12 Christmases was still there and we had to ask for forgiveness for not seeing it and acknowledging it before we noticed what wasn't there.

I learned to savor the moment.  What a lesson.  What a needed lesson.  I hope and pray that I have REALLY learned that.  If I have, life will be more meaningful - filled with more joy and excitement - and memories that will be lifelong.  I want that.  

I learned how to pay attention to me.  With my back still not healed, it was necessary for me to listen to what it was telling me.  I was able to let go of the control of the situations and lay down.  I did good - no brag just fact.  It was hard.  But what I found out was that I could sit back and watch it all unfold.  See those around me interacting and enjoying one another.  I could listen to the sounds of laughter, and sharing, and kids playing.  I was able to hold a kid in my lap and hold their little faces in my hands and look deep into their eyes planting an impression on their little hearts to know they were loved.

This Christmas - one I was frightened to death to walk thru not wanting to feel - was amazing.  There were moments that took me to that longing place, but even in that it was good.  Bittersweet.  Yes, thats what it was.  I am thankful, I have a full and overflowing heart, I have great memories, and that fear is gone.  Bittersweet. . . . .

Because HE lives . . . Life IS worth the living!!!!!

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal, and forgive.
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.